Sometimes, it is not just about film - it's about music

There was a time when I thought that music was the most important thing in life. In a way, I still think that. But as I grew into an adult I realized that social justice mattered even more. But music is still the background of my life. Yes, this blog has shifted to mostly film reviews, but its title ("For What It's Worth") relates to a song I love by a band that I love (Placebo). 

David Bowie was my obsession for decades (well, after I got over his "Let's Dance" period -- still don't LOVE that period of David's music).  I saw parallels between his life and mine.

I found friends through Bowienet that have become lifelong friends (one of them - Magzy - gave me this mug when my sister and I recently visited The Netherlands.  What a joy that friendships can start with a common thread, especially such a unique artist such as David). 

I first heard cuts of "Hunky Dory" in a haze of marijuana in a hippie commune in a neighborhood north of Baltimore City. I wonder now, in this age of the Internet, how we even learned of this incredible collection of tunes but there it was, spinning on a turntable, causing much chilling out and reflecting in the potheads listening to it.  David's gender-bending identity, if you will, was just accepted as part of the counterculture.  His lyrics and music were "far out, man."  The quirkiness of "Kooks," the story-telling beauty of "The Bewley Brothers" and the timelessness of "Life on Mars" resonated with brilliance and beauty. 

It was 1971.  I suspect my drug use, while not paralleling David's exactly, was pretty extensive and for me very self-destructive as was his ("Cracked Actor").  A good number of us believed that heavy drug use (at least on weekends) was okay to do, indeed a good thing.  We didn't see the extent of our self-delusion.  I had profound depression and a lot of risky behaviors, but drug use masked any awareness of these characteristics.  David's music also reinforced my belief system that it was all right  - in fact good - to be an outsider. 

It is unclear to me when "TMWSTW,"  "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars," "Aladdin Sane," and "Diamond Dogs" became a part of my culture. I just know that they did back then.  In fact, as I look back on those drug-fueled years, I realized I went to a lot of great musical performances that I don't even remember (since I was told of them by others). For a long time I thought I saw "David Live" in Philadelphia or a surrounding location when he toured the US in 1974.

By the late 70s and early 80s, to move myself into a healthier place, I turned for solace to country music (Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Don Williams, Tammy Wynette, Johnny Cash), along with Judy Garland tunes, opera and classical music.  I didn't know at that time the Berlin trilogy or "Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)" since I was connecting my drug abuse - and then alcohol abuse - to rock music.  Temporally, that was accurate.  It was the early 90s when I learned to love David's albums post-"Let's Dance." 

So, I missed most of the pop music of the late 70s and 80s.  When I heard " Fame," "Young Americans, " and "Let's Dance" (the tunes of his that became most popular in America) I thought "what the hell happened to David Bowie?"  and left fandom (of him) for a while.

What the hell happened to me?  Well, sobriety for one thing.

In the 90s, I knocked the sense back into myself (musically) and allowed myself, if you will, to become enamored of Radiohead, Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, R.E.M., The Foo Fighters, Metallica and music of that ilk along with the softer sounds of Sarah McLachlan, Natalie Merchant and others.  When David toured in the mid-90s with NIN, I took note and bought a video copy of one of the concerts (dreadful quality - not like bootlegs of today).  I saw him in "The Last Temptation of Christ" (stunned by that movie which I saw on video, not in the theater) and realized I had missed the many layers of DB's character and soul.

More important, I got back to his music  - "Black Tie White Noise"  - and decided to go back to the beginning of Bowie to see why I had been a fair weather fan in the 80s.  I absorbed into my psyche "1. Outside."  I couldn't wait for the release of "Earthling" and stood in a DC warehouse for hours in the front row watching DB on that tour and getting my ears blasted off.

Meanwhile,a lot of bios, authorized or unauthorized, were out about DB and I read them one after another.   I realized that DB's life and mine had followed similar arcs. 

In the 60s and 70s, substance abuse reigned supreme for both of us. In the 80s, there were successes with sobriety (for me, 1984 and I've never looked back).  DB put drug abuse behind him in the late 80s, I think in part when (because of?) he got custody of Duncan.  At least this is what I believe.  In the 90s I was in my 40s.  I was embracing outsider status again but in a much healthier way.  I wondered ("Little Wonder") why androgyny was not becoming the norm.  I bought " hours" and "Heathen" and "Reality" with great anticipation and loved all 3.  As I listened to early Bowie, I learned to love "The Laughing Gnome." (Really).

David in his 50s on the Reality Tour was an incredible example of creativity, strength, and inspiring musicality.  He had a tight almost symbiotic connection with his fans. I am honored that I saw him twice at Roseland (taking the train up from Baltimore both times in 2001 and 2002). I missed his Reality Tour since he canceled Atlantic City due to the illness he caught in Europe.  I am thankful for "The Next Day" and "Blackstar" (though the latter is still hard to listen to).  I believed in my 50s I was the healthiest I had been, again probably like David.   I was positive he was going to perform again, maybe just for bowienetters, but at least some small performance somewhere and all of us would go no matter where (though I was hoping for New York City).

I'm not sure when David's illness took hold, and while I don't have that same disease, my more recent years have had some struggles and stress again.  Part of that just relates to aging issues, part of it to still not having my shit together.  Oh well.  I think one of David's parting gifts to his fans was his ability to keep his failing health to himself and his close loved ones.  While we were all horrified at the news ("My Death"), in fact he kept us from the dread and worry of suffering through his illness with him over the years.

David WAS 1 year, 9 months and 5 days older than me.  I can't believe he is gone, my musical mentor leading the path into the older years for me.  No more. What's next?  I haven't been able to listen to his music since his death, except for an occasional tune here and there.  Another friend (from The Netherlands - Rxb) posted a video of David recently, and I think that has inspired me to get back to David's music. It is timeless, relevant and speaks to my heart and soul.